Simple Mom’s post about banning kids from certain businesses got me thinking. I don’t mind if kids are banned. I welcome it.

The longer I have kids of my own, the less tolerant I am of other people’s kids. One night I went out to dinner with my mom in the art district and we got to sit next to a family with a child who requested things by screaming in their general direction. Lovely meal.

When my kids were smaller and we would go out to eat, we would be put in the unspoken kids’ section. I know it exists. An entire restaurant and we managed to be placed in a group of 6 tables that all have families with small children? This annoyed me because my kids don’t get away with everything. They say “please” and “thank you” to the waitress. They sit on their bottoms in their seats. They do not hang over the back of the booth and disturb the other customers.

I had to sit near people who allowed their kids to chuck salt shakers at each other’s heads, throw all of their food on the floor, and run around the restaurant. I used to be a waitress and I know it’s hard enough carrying a tray of hot food without having to run a toddler obstacle course.  If you don’t want to parent during a meal, leave your kids with a babysitter. The restaurant in North Carolina that put up the sign, “Screaming children
will not be tolerated,” has the right idea.

Kids need to be held to higher standards. They need to know the proper way to act in different places and situations. I’m a big fan of the church whisper: a mom bends down, whispers something in a child’s ear, the kid’s eyes get big, and they stop doing whatever it was they were doing. That’s probably the most powerful sermon in the place. My mom’s whispered threats in church would singe my hair, but I was good. I wasn’t lying across a pew and coloring at 13 because my parents didn’t give a damn about teaching me the proper way to act.

There are some places where small children shouldn’t be in the first place, regardless of their behavior. When Paul and I went to the last Batman movie, a couple came in with a 3-year-old and an infant in a car carrier. Really, people? And they sat in the second row, I guess so they could make sure the baby got the full effects of the surround sound.  The parents would get more and more annoyed with the little girl’s constant requests for a bathroom break. Who knew little Sally wouldn’t be interested in watching people get stabbed, shot, and blown up. Between their constant trips in and out of the theater, the loud talking, and, most disturbing, the thoughts of what an R-rated movie was doing to that little girl’s mind, it was not an enjoyable experience for us. Some parents make me want to hand them a card that says, “A donation has been made in your name to Planned Parenthood.”

Are my kids good all of the time? No way. They have bad days. They even have terrible days. However, I will not subject other people to my kids’ bad days. I give them a
warning about their behavior. If it continues, we leave. Does it suck? Yes. I hate leaving somewhere, especially if we paid to get in, but it only takes one time for my kids to realize that I am not joking around.

I think if restaurants and movie theaters advertised “no kids” nights they would increase their income. I would love to know that I could eat dinner or watch a movie in peace.

After this rant, you might be thinking that I am one of those snobby parents who thinks everyone should adhere to my parenting standards or keep their kids away from me. Well, you’re right.